Does a woman need a relationship to be fulfilled?
English crime writer P.D.James says of Jane Austen, “All Jane Austen novels have a common storyline: an attractive and virtuous young woman surmounts difficulties to achieve marriage to the man of her choice.” A potentially simplistic view her novels but there is an element of truth in that observation. Marriage and finding a husband are common threads in all Austen’s novels. And in many ways this is understandable, Jane Austen wrote about the world that she knew, a middle-class society in Regency-era southern England, a world obsessed with marriage. Obsessed because much more than your future happiness depended on choosing the right partner. Selecting a spouse carried the weight of choosing a college, a profession, and a life partner all at once. For women, who couldn't work outside the home, live alone, or legally inherit property, the only reliable source of income and security, for herself was a husband. This was the world Jane knew and wrote about.
In Pride and Prejudice Jane beautifully captures this society through the situation of Charlotte. On accepting the offer of marriage from Mr Collins the narrator comments, “Mr. Collins to be sure was neither sensible nor agreeable; his society was irksome, and his attachment to her must be imaginary. But still he would be her husband.—Without thinking highly either of men or of matrimony, marriage had always been her object; it was the only honourable provision for well-educated young women of small fortune, and however uncertain of giving happiness, must be their pleasantest preservative from want. This preservative she had now obtained; and at the age of twenty-seven, without having ever been handsome, she felt all the good luck of it.” Charlotte didn’t love her future husband but she knew she would be secure in the future because of the marriage and so was content.
However, this was not something Jane would be content with either in her own life or in the lives of her lead characters. Austen herself once received a proposal—her only proposal, in fact—from a Collins-like man. He wasn’t a catch. Caroline Austen, one of Jane’s nieces, recalled him this way: “Very plain in person—awkward, and even uncouth in manner—nothing but his size to recommend him.” He was, however, well-to-do; he owned several estates, and marrying him would have given Austen a family life of her own, as well as financial security not just for herself but also for her unmarried sister. She accepted his proposal, but the next morning, she announced that she had changed her mind. Another one of her nieces, Fanny Lefroy, wrote, overnight she experienced a “revulsion of feeling.” Jane was not to be pressured into marriage for the sake of security. In her unfinished novel The Watson’s, Jane writes, “To be so bent on Marriage - to pursue a man merely for the sake of situation - is a sort of thing that shocks me; I cannot understand it. Poverty is a great Evil, but to a woman of Education and feeling it ought not, it cannot be the greatest. I would rather be a teacher at a school (and I can think of nothing worse) than marry a man I did not like.”
So not only did Jane write about the world she knew, she passed critique on it. And I wonder if Jane was writing today would the themes of her novels be any different? What would be her critique on our society? I think she would be amazed at the independence and financial security afforded to women now. The fact that as a single woman in my early 30’s I don’t need to be concerned about my future financial security being dependent on finding a husband, would be a source of wonder to Jane. However, I think she would find some things that haven’t changed. As she glanced through magazines, as she watched popular films, listened to songs in the charts and saw the rise of online dating, I think she would see that we live in a society which is just as obsessed with relationships. We are maybe not as preoccupied with marriage, these relationships can be as fleeting as a one-night stand but we are definitely no less obsessed with finding a man.
So what is going on? If we are no longer in need of a man for security, why do we think we need a relationship? A closer look at these magazines, films and songs reveals the answer. No longer is the goal financial security, instead it is self-fulfillment. Author Tim Keller in his book, The Meaning Marriage, sums it up this way, “In generation past there was far less talk about ‘compatibility’ and finding the ideal soul mate. Today we are looking for someone who accepts us as we are and fulfills our desires.” And it is true isn’t it? Deep down we all long to be perfectly loved and accepted and what many of us are looking for, or are hoping we have found in our current relationship, is the one person who can do just that. The one who will fulfill us, satisfy all our needs and make us happy. We believe if we find our one true soul mate, we will be truly happy and fulfilled in life.
But there is a problem. It doesn’t work. Don’t get me wrong. Relationships are wonderful things. Marriage is something we should aspire to. But asking another human being to meet all our needs and desires is impossible. Think on the story of Pete and Sue. Pete was tall and handsome. Talkative and spontaneous. Sue would say that he was all she had ever wanted in a husband. She should be happy but instead she was exhausted. She felt the pressure to live up to the ideal of the perfect wife focusing on Pete’s every need. She didn’t want to disagree with him and couldn’t be honest in case she hurt his feelings. She constantly checked her behaviour in case she let him down. In trying to be everything to Pete their relationship was nothing like the dream she has hoped for.
So do we need a relationship to be fulfilled? Well, no and yes. No, as we cannot find the fulfillment we are looking for in a mere human being. If we expect a relationship or marriage to provide us with the personal joy and contentment we are looking for, we will only find ourselves disappointed and hurt. However, as a Christian I believe there is one relationship which can provide true fulfillment, true joy and true contentment.
There is a story told of a woman who lived 2000 years ago who searched for fulfillment in relationships. But she couldn’t find it. She’d been through 5 husbands and the man she currently lived with she wasn't married to. Her relationships only brought heartbreak and disappointment. She was ostracised from the village she lived in, only able to get water from the well at noon during the heat of the day. It was on one of this visits that she encountered someone who changed everything for her. She met Jesus. Jesus knew what she was looking for and all that she had been through to try and find it. Instead of condemning her, he says she can find that fulfillment in him. Jesus uses the analogy of being thirsty to illustrate how a friendship with him will satisfy. He says, “Everyone who drinks this water (taking about the well) will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” Knowing him would change her life. And that’s what happened. In the village in which she previously been shunned and despised she now had the confidence to hold her head high and tell them about the one who changed everything.
For me, knowing Jesus gives me the confidence to see beyond what the world tells me about relationships. I know I have a relationship that is more fulfilling and satisfying than any earthly relationship. A relationship with the one who promises to never leave me and who will always be there to lead and guide me. A relationship with the one who knows and loves me more intimately that I can ever imagine. A relationship with the one who loves me so deeply that He was willing to die for me so I could know him.
I don't know what you think about that. You might be wondering how you can have a fulfilling relationship with someone who was on earth 2000 years. Or you might be thinking I want that relationship, how do I get it? Wherever you are, I'd encourage you to do couple of things. Speak to your friends who brought you; ask them what difference this relationship makes to their life and how they find fulfillment in Jesus. Read a Biblical account of Jesus’ life. On your way out you’ll receive a copy of John’s gospel, in which you’ll be able to find the story of the woman at the well. Finally I’d encourage you to investigate more by coming to the one of the courses we run designed to help people find out more about Jesus or join us at one of our services on a Sunday. We’d love to welcome you and answer your questions about who Jesus is.
