Pornography is a taboo topic among many Christians today--especially women. But women can and do become enslaved to it. Impure images, steamy novels, even television dramas captivate many minds and hearts. One of our members has courageously come forward to share her testimony of how God and his grace has worked through her struggle.
"I want to share with you something that God has worked in me for the past couple years since I became a Christian, and hopefully encourage some of you if you’re struggling with something similar.
My battle against sin began when I declared myself as a Christian; and there was one private struggle that left me disgusted with myself almost every day. My battle with pornography dominated my spiritual life.
It started out seemingly innocent, a curiosity of the materials on the internet when I started having free access. As with many addictions my initial thoughts sounded something like this: I’ll be able to stop reading it when I need to, it couldn’t possibly hurt, I probably wasn’t going to become addicted, and if no one saw me reading, it wasn’t sin…I ended up addicted to pornography and my life became quite out of control.
Pornography became an escape route from everything I was afraid of, anything that made me insecure. As I grew older, so did my dependence and addiction. I no longer sacrificed sleep or skipped school because of it, so I felt like I was in control even though that wasn’t the case, and a pattern started to emerge. Times of stress, of anger, of frustration, of fear, of rejection, of failure…I became increasingly dependent on porn as a way of relieving my emotions.
As I drew closer to God, I became more aware of the underlying insecurities behind this addiction. After I became a Christian I struggled with, and continue to struggle with learning to rely on God’s grace and provision.
Some days it was an easy victory, but most days it was a losing battle. I became frustrated and every time I gave into temptation these thoughts would arise: “I need to work harder at being a good Christian, then maybe I won’t struggle with it anymore. I am not good enough, I don’t deserve God’s grace anyways so why bother trying to fight temptation. I’m not “pure” enough. I’m saved…but I need to do better.” In fact the longer I managed to keep myself clear from pornography, the harder I fell the next time I gave into temptation, and these thoughts seemed more and more truthful. Ironically I made this sin an idol; I measured my worth as a Christian by how often I overcame this temptation.
I tried everything. Physically staying away from my computer, finding new hobbies, reading the Bible, chatting with friends, asking people to hold me accountable, reading books written by Christian authors targeted to this particular subject, and at my worst times my computer lived with my neighbour. But I quickly discovered that none of these helped with the internal battle, because they never addressed the problem of the heart.
Ultimately the greatest peace came when I stopped frantically looking around for something that would cure this temptation and entrusted my struggles to God. I started going before him and prayed about how much I struggled with it, asking him to show me the benefit of these struggles. It was all about patience. Most importantly, l realised that the more I was willing to bring my weaknesses and struggles before God, the stronger I grew. As the importance and significance of the cross grew, all my sins had to shrink in comparison.
At the end of each year I wrote down my struggles, asking God for greater wisdom and discipline the next year. In the first year, the only victory was simply being able to seek help and identify the motives. Later it became the decreasing amount of time I spent accusing myself, and it became progressively easier to guard my heart against temptation. As he poured out his love for me, the gap between falling and picking myself up became shorter. The less time I dwelt on my own sin, the more I was able to focus on God’s grace.
Instead of asking “why me and porn?” I started asking “why not me and porn?”. I’m not proud of my sins, but I am proud of God’s display of love and patience through teaching me to fight this temptation.
I discovered the joy of being reborn as a follower of Christ. God created me, and everyone here, and knew about every detail of our lives before it even began. He knew the temptations I would face even before I was born, knew that I would be a sinner, that I would turn my back to him, knew of my insecurities, and his response was to open my eyes and gift me with an understanding of the gospel.
Because I recognised how powerless I am before temptation, I have learned to crave God’s words and presence in my life. I have learned how much God cares about every detail of my life, and most importantly I have learned to be amazed at the meaning behind Christ’s death.
The main problem behind my battle with pornography is not that I access it; the true problem is that I have an adulterous heart that is always looking to replace God with something else. Once I realised this, the struggle itself became a lot more manageable.
So I share with you these works of my heavenly father, who will and who is able to make unbreakable promises and has claimed me as his own. I share with you this verse from Romans that has helped encourage me along the way: “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith." (Romans 3:23-25)."
If this is a struggle for you, please do speak to someone. You could email Rachel at womenatcharlotte@gmail.com. There are also good resources on the subject. Below are two recommended books.
HELP! She's Struggling with Pornography - This booklet redefines pornography in biblical terms and explores its dangers, including those of the socially acceptable forms particularly alluring to women. Learn how the Bible exposes the heart of the problem and provides abundant hope for freedom.
Purity is Possible - In this refreshingly honest, resolutely hope-filled and gospel-soaked book, Helen Thorne speaks the unspoken. In doing so, she shows how purity is better and more satisfying than fantasy - and that, whoever you are and whatever your struggles, that purity is possible.
