Let's talk about sex #3

A final article to get us thinking before the brunch on Saturday.  This blog by a Debra Fileta on relevantmagazine.com sums up why I think it is so important we talk about sex in the church.  I think her first point is especially important.  We are taught over and over again in church that we must wait for marriage before we have sex.  But the conversation often stops there.  We don't share why purity is so important.  We don't talk about how we protect our eyes and our minds.  We don't talk about what we should expect from sex within marriage.  Instead we hear about it from the world around us.  We let others speak to us instead of God's word and end up with a very distorted view of sex.  We need to talk about it.

So if you are still deciding on whether you should come to the brunch read the blog and hopefully it will convince you.  Or if you have decided to come and want to know more of the reasoning behind choosing this topic, I would thoroughly commend you to read 'Why Christians need to talk more about sex.'

See you Saturday!

Let's talk about sex #2

The topic of sex can cover wide and varied issues from porn addictions to often to say no to your husband in a godly way.  On Saturday at our brunch we will only scratch the surface of some of these issues.  But the idea is to get us thinking and talking about topics we might not do readily or without some embarrassment. 

The CCEF website has some helpful articles which speak about some of the topics which might come up.  Firstly, Not tonight dear, this article starts us thinking about how a husband might deal with their wife saying no to their desire to be sexually intimate.  As wives do we realise they might hear our no as a rejection and how can we be godly in this area without feeling used?

Secondly, Tim Lane has written a short booklet on Sex before marriage: How far is too far?  In it he looks at what God says about sex and our sexuality and how that shapes our behaviour before marriage. 

Finally, if you have an hour to spare Ed Welch is always worth a listen.  'Sex in the City, Suburbs, and Countryside: MaintainingPurity in a sex-obsessed culture' looks at how a Christian remains in this sex-obsessed world without falling into its lies and snares.  Ed Welch teaches how we can live godly lives amid rampant wickedness, and how we can counsel those who have been harmed by it.

If you have any questions which arise from the posts, please use the link on the right to submit them anonymously.

Let's talk about sex #1

The final women's ministry brunch of 2013 is just over 2 weeks away!  Over the next two weeks on the blog we will be posting articles and links to get us thinking about some the issues we will be discussing at the brunch.  If you have any questions which arise from the posts, please use the link on the right to submit them anonymously.

The first article comes from Tim Challies.  Tim is a pastor at Grace Fellowship Church in Toronto, Ontario.  He is also an author, blogger and book review.  His first book was for men to teach them the importance of overcoming sexual sin and pornography.  He then followed it with one on life and faith after the digital explosion.  The follow up from these books sparked a learning curve for him on the harm which can be done to children when they have  free access to the web.  The article The Porn Free Family is a great way to start families thinking about how to we protect our children on the internet.  He also has another article on the importance of talking to our children openly about sex.  Definitely some food for thought.  

Meet the women at Charlotte - Alison

This post marks the next in a series of interviews with different women who are part of the Charlotte Chapel family.  We hope to allow you to hear a little about the different lives we live, what makes us tick and how we seek to grow in our faith.  This time, we would like you to meet Alison Watson.

Q: Thank you for answering our questions Alison.  Could you tell us your favourite Christian song or hymn so readers can listen while they read on?
A: In Christ Alone.  I love the music but really it's the words that are so amazing.  It reminds me so powerfully that I belong to Him and nothing can change that.

Q: Can you tell us how you became a Christian?
A: I was born into a family with a wonderful set of Christian grandparents, a mum who had been baptised as a teenager but had drifted after she had met and married my non believing dad.  I know my grandparents prayed for me and God placed in our lives friends who invited me to church and the local crusader group. 
It was there that I first remember hearing the gospel fully explained and I decided to follow Jesus one day walking home from school aged 12. My very faithful crusader leader followed me up and was instrumental in discipline me early on. Wonderfully, my brother also became a Christian, my mum returned to the faith of her youth and my father is showing real signs of grace in his life.

Q: I think you also met someone significant through Crusaders?
A: I met my husband Graeme when we were aged 12 at Crusaders.  He had just moved down from Scotland and we became good friends, we started dating aged 19 and married aged 24. 

Q: To give us a flavour of the life you lead, could you tell us what you would be likely to be doing at 2pm on a Wednesday afternoon.

A: If I have been working in the morning as a GP locum I am normally finished by then.  I could be meeting someone one to one, just having lunch with a friend, or preparing the evening meal and getting ready for the chaos which will hit at 3.15.

Q: In amongst catering for a husband, 3 hungry children and visitors to your home, do you have a favourite gadget?
A: I love making cakes and my favourite dessert is a meringue so it would have to be my electric hand whisk as otherwise I would spend all day whisking and mixing!

Q: Do you have an earliest memory?
A: Going to hospital to see my new baby brother when I was 2 1/2.

Q: Could you share a piece of advice that you wished you had worked out earlier?
A: You don't need to do it all yourself.  If someone offers to help out, say 'yes' and then give them something specific to do.

Q: Thank you for sharing Alison, and giving us a little picture of you.  Finally, could you tell us what brings you the greatest joy?
A: So many things but spending time with my husband, my kids, my parents, my brother and his family, cooking for them, eating together, playing silly games or climbing the hills.

Thanks to Alison for sharing some of her story. Do feel free to suggest other women who you would like to get to know through these interviews.

Marriage - a Biblical perspective

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced  pain and bought jewellery."

Rita Rudner

"Marriage is a wonderful institution; but who wants to live in an institution?"  

Groucho Marx

It seems to me that people out in the world may have a number of views about marriage.  Some of them will be positive but others will not.  Perhaps the view is that marriage is painful. Perhaps that it is disappointing.  Perhaps it is 'just a piece of paper' which guarantees financial security or indeed the 'piece of paper' which ties a man down and takes away all the fun.  Perhaps the view is that it is an excuse for a great party.  Politicians talk about marriage as being the foundation of society and important in a world of family breakdown.  In a world of all these confusing and conflicting ideas about marriage the most important view for us as Christians is God's view of marriage.  God has a radical meaning for marriage, in fact it is about as far away from society's view of marriage as you can get.  Because the bible tells us that ' marriage is for the service of God'. 

But firstly, what is marriage?  There has been much talk in the media recently about defining or redefine marriage.  How does God define marriage?  In Matt 19 v 4-6 first Jesus is talking to the Pharisees in response to their questions about divorce.  Jesus talks about marriage in terms of a covenant promise.  He says it is: between a man and a woman, public (as witnessed in the leaving the parents to live together), monogamous, lifelong, and God joined.  Note what it is not! It doesn't talk about being in love, of 'trying before you buy' or being easy to leave.

Having defined what marriage is, what is it for?  Jesus himself directs us back to the beginning of creation to answer this question.  In Genesis 1 v 26-31 we read we were created to be gardeners!  We are unique in creation, created in the image and likeness of God and were given a unique privilege, to care for creation.  To achieve this task God made us male and female.  God wanted a whole family of gardeners to fulfil the task he had given us!  Marriage was created before the fall of man.  Together, man and woman were tasked to care for God's creation, under God's rule and in glorious communion with Him.

So, what is marriage for? It is for one man and one woman together to serve God, living 

under His rule and in communion with Him.  But there is a question we need to ask about this.  What about Genesis 2?  Doesn't God say that Adam is alone and needs a helper?  Is that not what we do, when we marry, fulfil each other's needs for companionship?  In Genesis 2 v 15-18 God makes woman to be Adam's helper.  Note that it says that Adam was alone, not that he was lonely.  Remember, the task was to care for creation and this needed more than Adam and Eve, it needed a whole family!  If we assert that Adam needs Eve to fulfil his loneliness then that changes the whole focus of marriage. If we marry to fulfil our desires, to help us with our loneliness, then we get married to fulfil ourselves.  The rest of the Bible just doesn't support that attitude.  The bible says that my ultimate fellowship and companionship is found in God himself who loves me, not in another human being.  Multiple passages throughout scripture talk of love; the love God has for us, our love for God and our love for other people and marriage is not mentioned. 

So what is marriage for?  It is to serve God.  But there is something else as well.

All through the Bible God refers in marriage terms to His relationship with His people.  So, in some way our marriages are a reflection of God's relationship with His people.  For his desire to restore His relationship with an adulterous people who reject Him.  This makes us consider how we behave within our marriages, as we model our marriages on Him, on Christ who laid down His life for His church.

So let's remind ourselves, marriage is defined as one man and one woman living under God's rule and serving Him, living out in their marriage a reflection of God's love for His people.

Should we all aim for marriage? Is it better to get married or not?  1 cor 7 v 36-38 shows us that we have Christian freedom in this area.  These verses contain some puzzles but ultimately Paul is leaving individual decisions up to us as Christians as to whether to marry or not.  As long as the person is a fellow Christian and also wants to marry, then we are free to marry, but we don't have to.  In fact, it might save us some anxiety if we don't marry!  What is clear from these verses is that it makes no difference to our relationship with God whether we marry or not.  We continue to live out our lives and serve Him, although this may be in different ways if we are married than if we are not.

We have looked at what marriage is as defined by God himself.  We have looked at the  purpose of marriage and how marriage reflects Gods relationship with his people to the world.  We have seen that not all of us will be married.  What does this all mean in practical terms for us as women, those who are married, those who are not?  What does it mean for us on a daily basis in our marriages, as we deal with conflict with our husbands? What does it mean for us in our relationships with friends and work colleagues?  When we have a conversation over coffee and we are encouraged to live with our boyfriend before marriage, or when all the other women are complaining about their husbands?  When all the girls are talking about wanting a relationship with a man to be fulfilled?  Have you aimed for marriage as the goal in your life?  Have you wanted marriage to solve your loneliness?  Do you idolise marriage?  Have you been disappointed in your husband because he has failed to meet your needs?  All our marriages are different, have you thought about how you can serve God in your marriage?  If your husband is a believer, have you thought about how you and your husband can serve others and God together?  Have you thought about how you can serve the marriages around you?

As Christian women we can come to to the God of grace and ask his forgiveness for our wrong behaviour, our wrong desires and focus on that wonderful day when we are at the wedding feast of the lamb.  On that day, all the frustrations and difficulties of every unmarried Christian, the conflicts and disappointments of every married Christian, the scars of past hurts and mistakes will be washed away as we wear the beautiful bridal clothes that Jesus has prepared for us through his death on the cross.  I pray that as we think about these truths about marriage, we will all know the grace of God in our own lives, His redemption of us as sinful people and the Holy Spirit who works in our hearts to change us and make us more like our wonderful bridegroom, The Lord Jesus Christ.

Living distinctively - in relationships

As you think about how we as Christian women live distinctively in the world,  what comes to mind as you think about where you can do that effectively?  Is it in society taking a stand against the same-sex marriage bill or is it in work where you don’t bend the rules even just a little?  Is it how you raise your children ensuring they are not exposed any negative influences on the TV?  Is it how you socialise with your friends, declining the offer to go and watch ‘that’ films or not going to drink in ‘that’ pub?  Now none of these things are wrong.  It is important that we take a stand in society, that we are honest in work, raise our children in the ways of God and are careful about the things we expose ourselves to.  But I wonder if as Christians we are all too often known for things we are against and don’t do, rather than the distinctive way we live all of our lives.  

As we have read through 1 Peter at the beginning of our brunches this year, hopefully we have seen that the distinctive lifestyle Peter is encourage his readers to follow is encapsulates the whole of our lives.  It is not a list of “do not’s”.  It is so much more than that.  As turns to the area of marriage and relationship, I wonder if this is another area we are known more for things we don’t do rather than a whole life distinctiveness.

So to help us see how we should be distinctive in this area, let’s look at 1 Peter verses 1-7 of chapter 3.  “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.  Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewellery or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.  For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves.  They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.  Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

There is a lot which could be covered in these verses but I just want to bring out two points.  Firstly, being distinctive in the areas of relationships really does matter.  Throughout Peter’s letter he has been getting us to see the huge importance of our changed lifestyle.  Look back at 2v12, “though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us”  and 2v15, “by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people”.  Our distinctiveness and differences are a witness to those around us.  God can use our lives to point people to Jesus.  Peter is more specific in this passage.  Read again the end of verse 1, “if any do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives”.  In this case Peter is showing that the witness of a wife’s godly distinctive life can be the trigger to bring a husband to receive salvation from God and know eternal life.  However, there are two things this verse is not saying.  Firstly, if your husband is not a Christian please don’t think it is saying you are not living distinctively.  We must take this verse in light of the whole of scripture and we know someone’s conversion is between them and God.  We cannot bring about faith in anyone else.  We might be as distinctive as we can but someone else’s own sin and hard heart is what is causing them not to repent and turn to Jesus.  Secondly, this is not an excuse to date a non-Christian and hope they will become a Christian as a result of our witness.  They may do, but often they don’t.  Instead it serves as an example of the importance of living a godly distinctive lifestyle.  As it can be what brings someone in the kingdom.  It could be as important as life or death for someone.

Secondly, how are we to be distinctive in relationships?  Peter draws out two things.  Firstly, we are distinctive when we recognising equality and complementarity in our relationships.  For many people in the 21st century this is a hugely countercultural idea.  For some they may not believe Christians are for equality.  But we need to see that it is clearly in the Bible, as we will have accusations levelled against us that the Bible is sexist and down on women.  Look again at the end of verse 7 and reason Peter gives the husbands for their distinctiveness, “since they are heirs with you of the gracious of life”.  Here Peter is saying that there is absolute equality between men and women in the eyes of God.  We are children of God, co-heirs with Christ.  This would have been shocking to those reading.  Women were not heirs at the time.  They were not considered equal.  But Peter is saying that God thinks otherwise.  Men and women are equal in his eyes - neither sex is better or more superior.  This equality should be demonstrated in our relationships.  

But for all our equality chat in our society, do we really demonstrate equality in our relationships?  The battle of the sexes is not over, is it?  We don’t need to look too far to find evidence for one of the sexes trying to gain the upper hand over the other, trying to laud its superiority.  Instead equality in the eyes of God should develop humility in a relationship and ensure there is no desire for one-upmanship.  There should be a readiness to ask and give forgiveness.

So if the Bible is clear we are equal, what does complementarity mean?  The Bible is also clear that men and women have different roles within marriage.  Let’s look at what Peter says, “v 3 - in the same way submit to your own husband, v5 - submitted to their husbands”.  Our difference comes in our submission and acceptance of our husbands leadership.  Before we rise up in horror as our cultural expectations shudder at the word submit.  Let us remember what we are being asked to submit to a husband who looks upon us with the deepest devotion; a depth of devotion that will give up their life for them.  We are being asked to submit to a husband’s care, to his nurture, to his protection, to his godly leadership and example.  

The second thing Peter draws out is that we are distinctive when we demonstrate an attitude of Biblical femininity.  A quick google search threw up a incredible diverse range of ideas of what femininity looks like in our time.  From a wikiHow page which taught me how to dress saying, “To dress more femininely, you should wear flattering clothes that aren't too revealing. Wear more lady-like clothes such as skirts, dresses, pointed shoes, scarves, tank tops, or anything that distinguishes you as a woman and a lady.  In addition to your clothes and makeup, you should spend some time finding the perfect accessories to go with your wardrobe.”  I also learnt I needed to be graceful and learn to dance!  Thankfully Peter puts forward a different idea, otherwise there would no hope for me!  Our femininity is not demonstrated in how we look.  Instead it is demonstrated by our inner character.  Look at what he says the attitude looks like, “verse 2 - purity and reverence and in verse 4 - a gentle and quiet spirit”.  What does this mean?  Is Peter expecting us to sit in a corner of a room never offering an opinion, only speaking when we are spoken too?  I would argue, not at all.  Instead I would say our purity and reverence, and our gentle and quiet spirit is very much on show when we speak and when we interact the men in our lives.   It is demonstrated in the way we follow their lead - with grace and encouragement or with reticence and begrudgingly?  It is demonstrated in how we respond when they make a mistake - with forgiveness or with an ‘I told you so’?  It is demonstrated in how we something we what to happen done - with patience and love or with manipulation and nagging?

So the challenge as we read this passage for those of us who are married, is do you realise that how you behave in your marriage matters and do you demonstrate the distinctiveness Peter calls us to?  While for those those of us who are unmarried, are you cultivating a purity towards men now or are you going to wait until you are married? Are you asking God to help you grow a gentle and quiet spirit shining with inner beauty now?