Walking side by side

For Christians struggles with mental health can be a source of confusion, guilt and shame. They feel they shouldn’t feel this way.  They wrestle with why God might be allowing them to feel this way.  Or God can seem completely silent and absent. Therefore, it is so important we know how to support people well.  It would be lovely to have a formula that can be applied to supporting a friend struggling.  However, there is no such thing.  But there are some steps we can take, as we walk side by side our friends in love.

1. Building up relationships of truth and love
Underneath the symptoms there is a person who is loved by God.  And that person will benefit from being surrounded with an array of godly people who can gently encourage them to look to Jesus and persevere through the tough times.  However, they may well find it hard to make the first move so it might well be helpful to be proactive.  Calling round to say hello, phoning to invite them out, sending encouraging texts.  Though it will be important not to overload someone who is already feeling overwhelmed with the pressure of life.

It is good to thank someone when they confide in you.  It is helpful to reassure them that you don’t think any differently of them.  It also key to say that you want to encourage them as they work through their struggles.

2. Encouraging expression of emotion
While chatting with someone it is important to let them share how they really feel.  It is right to gently re-orientate them to God’s truth or challenge the negative thinking at some stage but it is wrong to try and shut them up.  This simply encourages them to pretend they are feeling something they are not.  It is better to let them pour out their feelings and thoughts.  It can also be helpful to show that the Bible doesn’t shy away from some of the emotions they are feeling.  Job was depressed.  The Psalms are full of it.

3. Identifying false beliefs
Mental health can reveal an unhealthy fear, anger, dashed hopes, a feeling of failure and shame, or feelings of guilt and legalism.  All these say something about our beliefs in God.  Some may be patently obvious as the depressed person cries that they are are unloveable.  Others maybe more subtle - lying awake worrying suggest they be struggling to trust God and that he is good.  While others wear a cultural disguise as people wrestle with the belief that they deserve to comfortable.

We must never judge someone for their wrong thinking but it is important we gently challenge them.  None of us benefit from believing things that simply aren't true.  This is especially true when it comes to our thoughts about God and what it means to be a Christian.

4. Promoting biblical beliefs
This needs to be done humbly and sensitively.  There is no place for simply blurting out ‘that’s not true’!  But when someone says, “God doesn't love me, it is possible to challenge, gently, “but doesn't the Bible say that God has lavished his love on all his children at the start of 1 John 3?”  We want to be bring people back to the truths of the Bible.  We want them to fear God, keep his commandments, love him and love others.  We want to teach them how to persevere.

6. Modeling perseverance
People rarely move to fine overnight.  It may take months or years.  It’s important to pace your support from the starts.  Get a next network of people to help.  Know what is realistic for you to support in a sustainable way.

People often find they have some good periods and then a period of relapse.  We will need to ask God for patience, perseverance and love in those moments.

6. Praying and praising
Praying is essential.  Pray as Paul prays in Ephesians 1.  Do keep encouraging them to pray but do so in ways that are achievable.  Make sure they know you are praying for them when they can’t.  Share with them ways they could pray for you.

There are some great Psalms in the bible that begin, “Lord, this hurts” but end with the words “But I trust in you”.  Using the Psalms as a basis for prayer and praise can be useful to pray with the person who is struggling.  Prayer could be hard for them so you want to help with them whenever you can.  Model how they can pray and make it as straightforward as possible.

If you have any questions about this blog or are affected by any of these issues, please do email womenatcharlotte@gmail.com

What might you expect from a GP?

One of the ways we can support our friends or family members struggling with mental health is to encourage them to speak to their GP.  Jo Rose, one of our members shares what you might expect from your GP.  

What you might expect if you see a GP about mental health problems?  The most obvious to me is that you'll get someone who deals with this all the time and will therefore be experienced at asking the questions and gently teasing out the story and how it is affecting the person.  People perceive that there is still a stigma attached to owning up to this sort of thing, but this is just not true in general practice.  Your GP really has heard it all before (we're hard to shock!). We're very happy to cried on, and the box of tissues is probably the piece of equipment I use most often. 

So why might you recommend to a friend that it would be worth seeing a GP?  Christians particularly often feel that we 'should' be able to deal with stress, depression and anxiety within the framework of our faith and church supports. What about the worry that our GP will tackle the issues from a very secular position?  While this may be true, it is also true that there is real value in what a GP can offer that complements and runs alongside the more specifically 'Christian' support.  It's a bit more complicated than the analogy that 'of course you'd see someone about a broken leg', but there is some truth in here in that there is value in a medical approach to a medical problem.  Of course, all this is also relevant to non-Christian friends who you are supporting and also seeking to introduce concepts of gospel hope.  There are also a lot of Christian GPs, and if you mention that you have a faith you may find that they do too! 

As a definite cut-off, if low mood, stress or anxiety are affecting function you should see a GP – if your friend is struggling to concentrate at work, not sleeping, eating dramatically more or less than usual, cutting themselves off from friends and family or expressing suicidal thoughts it would really be worth them seeing someone professional who is in a position to help.

What could your GP offer?
Time off work – this can be all it takes to get through a period of acute stress, just 'removing work from the equation' can give people space to reflect and recharge. I always encourage people I am signing off for this reason that they are not 'off sick' and that they should be out and about, taking exercise, meeting friends etc. Maybe you could help by providing companionship here?

Signposting to helpful resources, often online, telephone or group resources looking at coping with stress, relaxation strategies and anxiety control techniques. One to one counselling is almost impossible to obtain on the NHS, but if someone has very specialist issues they may be able to see a psychologist after a very long wait.

Medication – while this is not something that everyone thinks is right for them, there are a definite group in whom anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication can be really helpful.  The criticism has been made that we have 'medicalised' normal stress and sadness, and this may well be true, as a prescription is quicker and easier to give than a good long listening consultation. However, when sadness, stress and anxiety start to last for a long time (more than 6 weeks) and to interfere with normal function the time to consider medication has arrived. Modern anti-depression and anti-anxiety medications are not addictive, although they may bring unwanted side effects such as weight gain. They tend to remove the extremes of emotion, and I describe them to patients as 'helping you feel a bit more steady while you come to terms with what has happened. They don't fix anything but help you cope'. They give people a more level platform, from which they can work on simple mood techniques and focus on getting better.

From a GP's perspective, what can you offer your friends who are feeling like this?
Encourage them to make an appointment and then to talk about what is really bothering them.  I often meet people who have come in once or twice already and spoken about minor physical problems and then on the third time say 'well what is really bothering me is I feel sad all the time...'

Offer to go along with them. The first consultation is often the hardest as much of the background story will be told. A supportive friend who will sit with you is great (maybe even staying in the waiting room rather than in with the GP if they'd prefer). People are often quite upset after they've told the story, so being together quietly after is useful too.

Find out what the GP recommended and offer support with any decisions, for example whether to start medication. 

Just be with them – offer to go for a short walk, sit together, cook some easy food together. 

Of course pray for them, and with them if that is appropriate.

 If you have any questions about this blog or are affected by any of these issues, please do email womenatcharlotte@gmail.com

Depression - Allison's story

At our last Women's Ministry Event we considered how to support our friends who are hurting, in particular those struggling with mental illness.  Over a series of 3 posts we will share what we covered.  

Firstly, to help us understand what it is like to have depression, one of our members Allison, shares her experience.

I have had depression twice in the last 10 years.  I thought it was one of these things that once I was through it the first time, that it would never come back again due to the circumstances at that time.  I also thought the first time it happened that God wouldn’t allow this to happen to me again but I was wrong.  I had no previous experience or understanding of mental health illnesses but now having experienced this twice it is an issue that I am passionate about and that it should be talked about so that we can understand and help other through it. 

How did I then realise that I had depression again?  Just over 4 years ago I was juggling my job and the role of being a wife and mother and all the duties involved with that.  I thought I was managing but after returning from a family holiday the work pressures hit me hard.  I was feeling emotional and tired all the time.  I was low, I was irritable, I couldn’t make rational decisions, I wasn’t getting any enjoyment out of life.  I had no motivation to do anything and I was anxious and worried about everything.

After the first few days I thought I would be ok but after a few weeks’ things got worse.  I was feeling so bad I wished I had never woken up that morning and I wished I didn’t have to face the day ahead.  Then one Friday evening the boys were at Cubs & Scouts and my husband was waiting for them to bring them home.  I decided a good way to try & relax was to have a bath, but once I was in the bath the dark cloud of depression was trying to speak to me.  My thoughts were over taken with you are worthless, you can’t do your job properly, you have been a terrible and useless wife and mother, they would be better off without you.  Then I can only describe an experience of the Holy Spirit as the next thoughts were STOP; do you want those boys to come home and find their mum like that, get out of the bath now.  I have never got out of a bath so quickly, I broke down in tears and cried out to God to help me, it was my first step to a very long road of recovery. 

That weekend God put in my path different women who would direct me to begin to seek help.  There happened to be a women’s brunch on that Saturday morning to which Graeme forced me to go to hoping that I would seek help there.  I didn’t want to go and socialise, I felt I had to put on a front.  I can’t remember what the brunch was about but I remember the importance of being honest as to how things are with yourself.  If someone asks how are you, be willing to share. 

On the Sunday morning after the morning service I was in the lower hall and Alison Watson came up to me and asked me how I was.  I poured out everything that had happened in the last few days and weeks.  Alison is a GP and God definitely put her in my path that morning.  She gave me specific instructions to contact my own GP first thing Monday morning and tell them everything.  She also came to my house that evening to check that I had done that.  She talked about our worth in Jesus and what we mean to him.  She asked me to begin reading through a Psalm each day as reading my Bible was something that I had been unable to do for a long time.  She then also set up a one to one with someone who had been through a similar experience. 

The road to recovery was long and difficult.  There were many doctors’ appointments, physiatrists appointment’s, and one to one study’s.  There were times when suicidal thoughts came back or I would turn to self-harming but the practical help from the medical professionals was invaluable.  I was given medication to take daily and at first the dose wasn’t strong enough so it had to be increased.  I was also sent along to cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) which is where they begin to see what has maybe triggered your depression but more importantly to recognise what are your trigger points and how you are going to deal with them.  If I got worked up or anxious about something, I was to go for a walk.  If I was overly tired, I was to get more sleep.  I was to be honest and open about how I was feeling and if people couldn’t deal with that I was not to worry what they thought as that was their issue not mine. 

Depression is not an easy illness to live with.  It is debilitating.  You feel like you are in pain and no-one can see it. Every day is a struggle, you hate yourself and what depression is doing to you.  Nothing is enjoyable, nothing can make you smile.  There is no overnight cure but it is important to seek help.  I thankfully have been free from depression for 3 years but the 1 year that I endured it was the hardest of my life so far.  I don’t feel I ever will be cured but I have learned to live with it.

God taught me a lot through my time of depression; I hadn’t fallen away from faith but I had become complacent in my faith.  I believe He allowed me to go through depression to bring me back closer to Him, to remind me that I need to rely completely and totally on Him and not my own strength.  When you have depression you have no strength so relying on God is all you can do to get you through each day.   Now I don’t worry about what might happen if I get depression again.  Instead I have come to ask that if God does allow me to go through it again, what is He going to teach me this time?

If you have any questions about this blog or are affected by any of these issues, please do email womenatcharlotte@gmail.com

Talking about mental health

At our next Women's Ministry event we are going to considering how we help and support our friends who are hurting, in particular supporting those who are going through struggles with mental health. 

This infographic from the Mental Health Foundation shows the importance of talking about Mental Health.  1 in 4 people in Britan will experience a mental health problem in the course of any given year.  In a church our size that could be around 12o people.  For many Christians these struggles can be a source of confusion, guilt and shame.  As an expression of our love for one another we need to know what these different issues are and how best to support our friends. 

We will be covering some of these topic at the event on  Saturday 14th November at 3pm.  We will meet in the lounge for afternoon tea followed by a teaching session and discussion. If you are able to come, sign up on the doodle poll.  

In the meantime here are somethings you can do now:

1. Pray for women in our church who are struggling with mental health illnesses
2. Get in contact with those you know are struggling with this issue in church and ask how you can support them.