As you think about how we as Christian women live distinctively in the world, what comes to mind as you think about where you can do that effectively? Is it in society taking a stand against the same-sex marriage bill or is it in work where you don’t bend the rules even just a little? Is it how you raise your children ensuring they are not exposed any negative influences on the TV? Is it how you socialise with your friends, declining the offer to go and watch ‘that’ films or not going to drink in ‘that’ pub? Now none of these things are wrong. It is important that we take a stand in society, that we are honest in work, raise our children in the ways of God and are careful about the things we expose ourselves to. But I wonder if as Christians we are all too often known for things we are against and don’t do, rather than the distinctive way we live all of our lives.
As we have read through 1 Peter at the beginning of our brunches this year, hopefully we have seen that the distinctive lifestyle Peter is encourage his readers to follow is encapsulates the whole of our lives. It is not a list of “do not’s”. It is so much more than that. As turns to the area of marriage and relationship, I wonder if this is another area we are known more for things we don’t do rather than a whole life distinctiveness.
So to help us see how we should be distinctive in this area, let’s look at 1 Peter verses 1-7 of chapter 3. “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewellery or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
There is a lot which could be covered in these verses but I just want to bring out two points. Firstly, being distinctive in the areas of relationships really does matter. Throughout Peter’s letter he has been getting us to see the huge importance of our changed lifestyle. Look back at 2v12, “though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us” and 2v15, “by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people”. Our distinctiveness and differences are a witness to those around us. God can use our lives to point people to Jesus. Peter is more specific in this passage. Read again the end of verse 1, “if any do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives”. In this case Peter is showing that the witness of a wife’s godly distinctive life can be the trigger to bring a husband to receive salvation from God and know eternal life. However, there are two things this verse is not saying. Firstly, if your husband is not a Christian please don’t think it is saying you are not living distinctively. We must take this verse in light of the whole of scripture and we know someone’s conversion is between them and God. We cannot bring about faith in anyone else. We might be as distinctive as we can but someone else’s own sin and hard heart is what is causing them not to repent and turn to Jesus. Secondly, this is not an excuse to date a non-Christian and hope they will become a Christian as a result of our witness. They may do, but often they don’t. Instead it serves as an example of the importance of living a godly distinctive lifestyle. As it can be what brings someone in the kingdom. It could be as important as life or death for someone.
Secondly, how are we to be distinctive in relationships? Peter draws out two things. Firstly, we are distinctive when we recognising equality and complementarity in our relationships. For many people in the 21st century this is a hugely countercultural idea. For some they may not believe Christians are for equality. But we need to see that it is clearly in the Bible, as we will have accusations levelled against us that the Bible is sexist and down on women. Look again at the end of verse 7 and reason Peter gives the husbands for their distinctiveness, “since they are heirs with you of the gracious of life”. Here Peter is saying that there is absolute equality between men and women in the eyes of God. We are children of God, co-heirs with Christ. This would have been shocking to those reading. Women were not heirs at the time. They were not considered equal. But Peter is saying that God thinks otherwise. Men and women are equal in his eyes - neither sex is better or more superior. This equality should be demonstrated in our relationships.
But for all our equality chat in our society, do we really demonstrate equality in our relationships? The battle of the sexes is not over, is it? We don’t need to look too far to find evidence for one of the sexes trying to gain the upper hand over the other, trying to laud its superiority. Instead equality in the eyes of God should develop humility in a relationship and ensure there is no desire for one-upmanship. There should be a readiness to ask and give forgiveness.
So if the Bible is clear we are equal, what does complementarity mean? The Bible is also clear that men and women have different roles within marriage. Let’s look at what Peter says, “v 3 - in the same way submit to your own husband, v5 - submitted to their husbands”. Our difference comes in our submission and acceptance of our husbands leadership. Before we rise up in horror as our cultural expectations shudder at the word submit. Let us remember what we are being asked to submit to a husband who looks upon us with the deepest devotion; a depth of devotion that will give up their life for them. We are being asked to submit to a husband’s care, to his nurture, to his protection, to his godly leadership and example.
The second thing Peter draws out is that we are distinctive when we demonstrate an attitude of Biblical femininity. A quick google search threw up a incredible diverse range of ideas of what femininity looks like in our time. From a wikiHow page which taught me how to dress saying, “To dress more femininely, you should wear flattering clothes that aren't too revealing. Wear more lady-like clothes such as skirts, dresses, pointed shoes, scarves, tank tops, or anything that distinguishes you as a woman and a lady. In addition to your clothes and makeup, you should spend some time finding the perfect accessories to go with your wardrobe.” I also learnt I needed to be graceful and learn to dance! Thankfully Peter puts forward a different idea, otherwise there would no hope for me! Our femininity is not demonstrated in how we look. Instead it is demonstrated by our inner character. Look at what he says the attitude looks like, “verse 2 - purity and reverence and in verse 4 - a gentle and quiet spirit”. What does this mean? Is Peter expecting us to sit in a corner of a room never offering an opinion, only speaking when we are spoken too? I would argue, not at all. Instead I would say our purity and reverence, and our gentle and quiet spirit is very much on show when we speak and when we interact the men in our lives. It is demonstrated in the way we follow their lead - with grace and encouragement or with reticence and begrudgingly? It is demonstrated in how we respond when they make a mistake - with forgiveness or with an ‘I told you so’? It is demonstrated in how we something we what to happen done - with patience and love or with manipulation and nagging?
So the challenge as we read this passage for those of us who are married, is do you realise that how you behave in your marriage matters and do you demonstrate the distinctiveness Peter calls us to? While for those those of us who are unmarried, are you cultivating a purity towards men now or are you going to wait until you are married? Are you asking God to help you grow a gentle and quiet spirit shining with inner beauty now?
